on life currently

If you ask me what I wanted to be in my next life I don't think the answer would shock you at all. Go on.. ask? 

A flower. I'd want to come back as a rose of any color because to me color, when referring to flowers, does not diminish or change it's contextual beauty. I'd actually like to be a flower in an overwhelming garden filled with birds, bugs, and butterflies and caterpillars and little ponds of frogs and fish. 

I'd love to be somewhere where being seen and not heard is a luxury.

Unfortunately for me, I currently live in the real world and right now realness is retail in a mall of fake or virtual augmentation.I prefer the background but this world is beckoning me forward into the light I seemed to avoid my whole life. It's not enough to be wise and silent anymore, even as a woman. 

I always had been told a good woman is seen and not heard or the loudest man in the room is often the most ignorant. In such a confusing time, when there are plenty of voices blaring across the internet, I still seek to be that calm and quiet wisdom but in a way that has impact. 

The perks of being a wallflower is that you seek and soak in all that is around you to rise above. All those on the vine with you eat from the knowledge and light you can provide from hanging on that vine. For so long, I have hid away myself from the world, "playing the background". That is not who I am. I have been deceiving myself and those around me. That is the deceit from the reading I received some weeks ago. I have deceived myself and those around me, believing that I had nothing to say..so much so that I won;t ever say how I feel allowed. Harboring thoughts, feelings, ideas, my true self. What am I afraid of? Acceptance. Yes. Accountability. Yes. Recognition. Yes. 

I do not know yet why I fear these things. I figure it's rooted in something childish and hurtful. I hope to release it through varying exercises. One would be to create a space for release and calm, quiet wisdom.