5.5.2020
Question: What connection with your inner child no longer serve you? In what ways have you transmuted this energy?
As a child, I feel that I longed for sense of belonging and community. Growing up without a mother is a big part of this. It was hard for me, even in adulthood. It bothered me and was a crutch for behaviors in my life that did not always serve me. I know that it does not connect or serve me now because I faced it dead on. But for a long time, I allowed it to fuel lies of brokenness and damage. I would and have lashed out in the past on my family because of it. I even blamed them for it partly.
Looking for people to blame and creating narratives around it allowed me to nourish the idea of loneliness. Longing to feel a part of my mother, lead to longing to feel a part of everything, even things that I did not want.
In adulthood, I confronted my mother (literally). After years of not knowing, I chose to relieve myself of the mystery and reach out. Although I did not get what I hoped for all these years, I did gain a few others. I am transmuting the lies, feelings of loneliness, and lack of sense of belonging into several things. It first starts with ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. I now recognize the community that I have and have always had around me. I have supportive relatives and close friends who care and love me. They want to see me thrive. I love and appreciate them all. ACCEPTANCE is next. My mother's inability to have a relationship with me has no bearing or dictation on the relationships I chose for myself. I deserve love and community and to be able to reciprocate that with whomever I choose, biologically or relatively. Lastly is REALIZATION. The realization that although I have not a relationship with my birth mother, I have been mothered by loving, caring, supportive and amazing women my entire life. Aunts, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, god-moms, even stepmoms.
In closing, I feel that affirming myself will allow me to grow through any obstacle my inner child faces. She knows now that she is valuable. She is adequate. She is deserving of community and she inspires community where ever she is, all the time.
#30DayWritingChallenge #Day5
As a child, I feel that I longed for sense of belonging and community. Growing up without a mother is a big part of this. It was hard for me, even in adulthood. It bothered me and was a crutch for behaviors in my life that did not always serve me. I know that it does not connect or serve me now because I faced it dead on. But for a long time, I allowed it to fuel lies of brokenness and damage. I would and have lashed out in the past on my family because of it. I even blamed them for it partly.
Looking for people to blame and creating narratives around it allowed me to nourish the idea of loneliness. Longing to feel a part of my mother, lead to longing to feel a part of everything, even things that I did not want.
In adulthood, I confronted my mother (literally). After years of not knowing, I chose to relieve myself of the mystery and reach out. Although I did not get what I hoped for all these years, I did gain a few others. I am transmuting the lies, feelings of loneliness, and lack of sense of belonging into several things. It first starts with ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. I now recognize the community that I have and have always had around me. I have supportive relatives and close friends who care and love me. They want to see me thrive. I love and appreciate them all. ACCEPTANCE is next. My mother's inability to have a relationship with me has no bearing or dictation on the relationships I chose for myself. I deserve love and community and to be able to reciprocate that with whomever I choose, biologically or relatively. Lastly is REALIZATION. The realization that although I have not a relationship with my birth mother, I have been mothered by loving, caring, supportive and amazing women my entire life. Aunts, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, god-moms, even stepmoms.
In closing, I feel that affirming myself will allow me to grow through any obstacle my inner child faces. She knows now that she is valuable. She is adequate. She is deserving of community and she inspires community where ever she is, all the time.
#30DayWritingChallenge #Day5
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